Is it possible to change? I am wondering if any of us really change?

We grow older and our tastes alter. We find new enjoyments or interests. Most people in our life seem to come and go as the seasons. Most of us are all too busy just trying to live and generally struggle through each day…..like housework, there is always something to do around the house, it takes so much effort and energy. Or socialising, or holidays, or shopping, or driving, or getting ready for work, or getting kids ready for school, or learning a new hobby…the list is literally endless….and I could keep going on and on but I am boring myself now and could doze off at any moment………………………oops, I lost interest for a moment as it was zapping my energy just to write. But when I write, I am not thinking, I’m simply writing…or typing my thoughts….and I have millions of thoughts every single day and night…even they make me feel exhausted but I can’t change that!

So where was I? Change…see, I changed subjects without meaning to but the thoughts I am typing are already in me…so I am not changing my thoughts, like I change my outfits..and I have far too many clothes as I do change my tastes in fashion and my look each day, but I find that more of a fun thing to do. What I am wondering is if I can change myself as a person? I have come to the conclusion that NO, I can not.

I am who I am. I am simply living to find out who I am….but who am I?

When I meet someone, anyone, or go through the moments in my days and converse with people, I realise that I change to adapt to who I am talking to, or the situation I am standing in, etc (I won’t do a long boring list again as I will fall asleep), but I myself, the core of me, doesn’t change. All I notice is that the older I get, the braver I feel and become. I live without worrying what anyone really thinks of me.

I try to always be polite, as I like manners. I try to be patient with people….Ohhhh I hate that “P” word…it’s almost worse that the “C” word……I will whisper it…….’camping’…..AAAAGGGHHH!! That just does my head in and makes me feel soooo uncomfortable….anyway, back to what I was saying….again.

As soon as I wake up, I think I just adapt to my surroundings and situation and do what’s in front of me at that moment. Everything already takes so much effort so I believe that humans just can’t be bothered to change. Actually, the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that we can’t change. We are who we are, like it or lump it.

Maybe it’s up to me to change my thought process…..or maybe it isn’t….maybe I can’t even change that!

Maybe it’s up to me to change my attitude…or maybe not.

Maybe it’s up to me to change my surroundings….or is it?

Maybe I can never actually change anything….or maybe I can create magic? But how? Oh great…(sarcastic tone)….that means I have to go and think again!!! Ouch!!! That hurts!

The thing that makes me feel a little better is that I do know that I can change my mind!…Or can I? Maybe it’s all just pre-written and it just all is!

One thing I do know is that when I go to the shop and buy something and it comes to $50 and I give the sales person $100, I want change…and I want it now!

When I sit quietly by myself and people watch, I am always amazed at just how many couples seem to be too comfortable and not happy. I mean too comfortable as in, set in their ways and have the same old boring routine.

It seems to me that majority of mothers only pay attention and give affection to their children and put their partners second. My mum has always said, “Children leave home, partners stay!” So, I think women should give their partners more of their quality time and flirtatious attention…again!

As I watch the parade that goes past daily, I see many women who seem to have let themselves go. Many don’t even try to look pretty for themselves or their partner. They start wearing mens shape clothing, and cutting their hair (I think) way too short…as they say it’s more manageable when they get older. Pffff….please….you’re not old until you are 90-95 years of age these days……and in all honesty, I am sure that heaps of women certainly wouldn’t look like the girls their partners fell in love with!

But….I also notice the men…ohhh dear! I question myself all the time on why so many men that I see go past appear to be so physically unfit, even the young ones these days have protruding tummies…which I suspect is from too much alcohol and junk food! It seems they to have forgotten to keep in shape for their partner. Where is their mental strength? So many of them start acting like another child, they get sulky and let the woman tell them what to do and when to do it……eeewwww…to me that is just wrong!

Now, I admit, I am a stubborn woman and don’t like being told what to do at all, but I certainly won’t treat my partner like a child. To me, that is so degrading….and it dishonours a partners duty to fight for your love and always make sure they keep you interested….I like the feeling I get when my heart flutters and tummy flips….and I always want that feeling, no matter how many years pass.

I’m smiling while I take a minute to feel this……..

Seriously, when was the last time you sat and watched people and saw many married couples holding hands?

Lot’s of little romantic things mean so much to a woman…and your quality time means so much to your man…or partner…whether it be man or woman… love is love!!!…..But where is the love?

In life, we are led to believe that we should all strive to make ourselves happy – to do what makes us happy. Yet when we do, so many times it hurts others, it creates massive changes that we might not be ready for…but we have to be. It angers those around us who disapprove of our choices, it creates arguments, it makes us feel that we have to justify our actions and/or choices…so where are all the positives?

People judge us regardless, we very rarely hear, “oh good for you”, or, “great job for being so brave and doing what makes you happy!” How many times have you heard that? Not many I bet. So individually, we silently have to do what makes ourselves happy.

Sometimes, I think we feel for have to sneak around and create our happiness as we dare not share our deepest desires with others as we know they just won’t understand….people question decisions and so often try to talk people out of things. Why?…Why not?

If I make a decision and go for it…and somehow stuff it up, I just say, “oops!” Then I get on with life. My “oopses” are mine. I take responsibility for them. People shouldn’t point out others errors, I am sure we all know when we stuff something up. I say, at least I was brave enough…and stupid enough to try!

Nearly every choice I make, or action I do is done for me now days, but it still makes somebody tut tut……and I’m 37 years old!!! I say nearly as none of us ever truly do what we want, we can’t due to work, family, children, others, government, etc, so then we are not really living for our own happiness, we never can, we simply have to make do in all situations and see a happy side of things. Step by step, we silently creep towards making ourselves happy, somehow, in some way, in some moments.

Making myself happy is simply having quiet time. I create, so I lose myself in my artwork. i can spend hours with no music, no phone calls, nothing, just me and the art.

I don’t own a TV, I don’t read newspapers or magazines nor do I read or  listen to news of any sort, it’s all too negative. We have enough negativity going on all throughout our days and nights, there’s always something going on, especially with children!

I like peace…that is my happiness so I create that at night time, quiet time, my time.

I don’t know what’s best for your life, as you don’t know what’s best for mine, therefor, do what you damn well want!!! Whatever floats your boat is how you roll, so keep rowing towards your paradise and smile as even the rowing is making you secretly happy.

I would like to thank each and every one of you for reading my thoughts. Your comments are appreciated.

I work long hours in a job that pays my bills. I raise my hormonal 12 year old son who doesn’t like school and amazingly never ever gets homework, I try to fin time after he sleeps to create my mosaic art and also write my thoughts mostly before bed.

Lately I’ve been playing with my thought process. I’ve been breaking my billions of thoughts each day down trying to make sense of what they are, or what they’re for. I’ve learnt that as a woman, I seem to have so many irrelevant thoughts, things come in to my head that really don’t matter, they’re certainly not important, life threatening, fascinating or clever, so why do I waste so much time thinking stupid things!? It has me baffled for now but I am controling them more and more by simply dismissing them and filling myself up with nothingness…it’s very liberating!

Each time I bust myself thinking something that’s wasting my brain power or precious moment, I pop it like a balloon and it disappears, (yes, it is that simple, we are all simple creatures, so what do you expect!) I decided that I would rather have clear, clean moments of just being, rather than moments where my brain won’t shut up, I think women might be naturally born slightly schizophrenic. Most of us let our thoughts control our lives, as in, our forever fearful, doubting or worrying thoughts. Let them all go, you truly don’t need them. Deal with what you have to deal with then dismiss it like a strict head mistress or head master of an elite private school for only the highly disciplined.

I have found that by not worrying, there is no energy feeding a so called problem, besides, in the long run, we see that things were never really a problem as they all eventually get worked out…there are only solutions, so learn to hush it, zip it, shut it and listen to the peace.

When I have a thought, I now either let it stay for a bit until I work out why it has popped into my head, or I simply and instantly (maybe arrogantly) throw it out. I am in charge of me…and my brain, so it’s my way, all the way.

I like writing how I speak, naturally and directly, that’s why I also enjoy reading the comments you post, you reply without thinking as you already know how my thoughts have made you feel, it is you writing your thoughts back to me, quick and easy.

Now, all I have to do is ask my darling dad how I reply to your comments…..don’t worry….I will find the time! Now, off with your head!

When I look at somebody….and I mean really look, I see something quite wonderful about them. I don’t mean to but I do. Even the most awkward or unhappy, angry or physically not up to standards of society I manage to see something in them or about that that to me, is evident, even if it is something small.

Too often we get caught up in what we are supposed to look like, act like, be like, live like or we all wanna be something we’re not, or never will be!

Why do so many people, especially the younger ones, want to be someone else? Is it praise individually enough? Maybe it’s because we simply don’t tell our children, or our family, or our friends just how wonderful, unique, talented, special, beautiful, handsome, kind, warm, funny, intelligent, etc they are. Maybe we don’t stop to say, “Hey, you are quite remarkable!”

I know I get so caught up in my moments that sometimes I don’t stop and tell my family, especially my son, just how incredible he is in his unique ways. He needs me more than he needs anybody. His love is unconditional towards me, as mine is to him.

Maybe we all have to prioritize our little special moments to create even more. It will certainly make us happy which in turn creates even a lighter feeling within self.

I only say a compliment if I mean it, I believe you should always be genuine when complimenting, we can all tell when it’s not anyway, so save your breath until you mean what you say.

It amazes me though as most of the time the person I compliment will slap it back in my face and say “no, no”, especially the women, but I know that they walk away secretly smiling and feeling better than before they spoke to me. I see such beauty and colour through my eyes. I often wonder what it would be like to look through somebody else’s eyes and see how or what they see, I would love to have that ability. I don’t think any of us see exactly the same, so therefor it seems that we really are all from our own worlds, each creating our own realities.

I love people watching, I can go anywhere and just watch people parade past me all day. I actually look and see their features, outfits, wigs, nostrils, I mean everything. I don’t think many people do this.

Take for instance how many times you hear that witnesses say the person was Caucasian, about 5 ft 10, brown hair……how many people fit into that description? Millions!

The other day, mum and I were talking to a woman, I was horrified when she stated that she couldn’t tell the difference between Asian people or black people. I instantly fired up and made her listen to herself and what she was actually saying. I basically told her to look at their face and see how different they all look. (Just for the record so I don’t get grounded for a week, Mum agreed with me of course!)

I confidently say that I’m an observant person, I generally don’t miss a beat….most of the time, I just choose not to say anything as I can’t be bothered talking to idiots, so I just sit back and watch. But I have come to the realization that most people don’t actually see or take notice. I find that quite impersonal, but hey, that’s only my opinion and my opinion is neither right nor wrong.

Just have fun and see all of the colour and detail around you, it actually makes you smile….and when you truly think something nice, say it, as you’ll make someones day! But hey, again, don’t listen to me, do what you want!

Smile, cause I’m sure it’s beautiful!

As humans why do we worry so much about nothing?….Or anything?……Or something?….I never quite understand how the mechanics of life work, so after thinking about it and realising at this exact moment that even my thoughts don't mean anything, I laughed!

Thoughts are like a wheel and just keep going around and around and around, jumbled thoughts, or too many thoughts are exhausting. So, I then just shut up. I force myself to STOP…I put on the brakes…. screeeeech.. and I sit in silence….ahhhh….the peace and relaxation that washes over me is incredible. I actually feel my body relax. I feel my shoulders go back down to their normal position. How long have I been walking around so tense for? Do I often get like this? Do I get like this when I simply think too much? Or when I'm tired? Is this feeling real?

We all get stressed, I know I get stressed when I get tired…or when I stupidly and courageously challenge myself, but I see life as a game, or a book…we each have our own life to live…to play, to act out, to direct, to remember. So if nothing is real, why do we stress? It's so silly, surely we can't all be that stupid!!? Oh wait, yes, yes we are, we are humans!

Sometimes I get headaches, I don't know why but they seem to only come on when I don't drink enough water or I stress.

Yes, I know I am human but I thought I was more powerful as infinite energy…or something like that…so then why am I so dumb? Ohhh, that's right, I am human, in a human body, with a human brain! And that brain can be such an annoying part of our story sometimes, it's like that really annoying person you know that never listens and only talks, it gives you a headache! 

But we still don't get it. We walk around not knowing what we are supposed to do.

We work in jobs we really don't enjoy.

We have unhappy relationships/marraiges/families and friends, sometimes we all just want to run away and hide, I know I do, so where is the peace?

On my lunch break today, I sat in my car doing nothing, for a whole hour, I thought I did nothing…but I actually found peace. I switched my thoughts of 'to do lists' off in my head and just quietly sat watching the breeze blowing the leaves.

I watched and listened to the birds singing and enjoying the swaying of the branches in this same breeze.

I watched people go about their personal business while this same breeze blew their hair around annoying them, (I found that amusing and smiled).

I watched a piece of paper flying and swirling gently through the air whipped up from somewhere from this same breeze.

My conclusion? Perhaps we are the breeze, always creating movement around us, swirling through life, traveling here and there, or stuck in a corner like a little whirlwind twisting around and around like that wheel of stress but never quite getting anywhere…each of us create our own wind speed and direction.

Nothing and everything is real, but it all means the same, we just live, accomplish something, then instantly move on to the next something, we don't stop enough to have a celebration, to bask in the beauty around us, the peace that is always around us, surrounding us, or within us…even a mini round of applause would be nice sometimes, but I still don't get why we even bother to stress? Nothing's real, so now relax, ahhhh…feel your shoulders and body go back down to their normal position and let your thoughtless energy swirl around, pick up speed and take you to places of where nothing means anything but something to you!

Remember, nothing is real….or is it?!

If one more person tells me to be patient….or…..tells me that things will come when it's the right time, I will scream…..which I do in a silent way within myself anyway, but I will be tempted to scream out loud…ok, I probably won't actually do it, but geez I'll be tempted to!

Have you noticed that people who say this generally have what you are waiting for, or wanting; like a baby, a partner, their own home, travel money and tickets ready to go, a good pay, the weight target you want, food, money for bills, a nice car, the list goes on and on…and on and is so personal for each human…it doesn't matter what it is, most people don't realise what they already have, appreciation is so important, take a look around you and smile, it doesn't mean you don't want something else or more though does it!

We all want more than we have. This varies from person to person, but it's all still relavant for that person, for that moment. All of our wants and needs are different and still important to us.

I'm not the most patient person at the best of time as I want my wants now. I also realise that most things DO come when or if the timing is right, but that doesn't stop me getting cranky when people tell me to 'be patient'…..uugghh, it drives me mental.

I also realise that just because we want something, doesn't necessarily mean we'll get it, no matter how hard we try. For exampIe, I couldn't go out right now and become a super model /  astronaut, with naturally curly hair and smaller feet, some things just aren't possible. But when something makes you smile and you know it's right for you, then go for it! At least you've tried to make your dream and wants a reality for you.

We all want, want, want, and if it's genuinely realistic enough to get, go get it, just remember, nothing's free, nothing's easy and everything comes with a price.

Yep, it's an unfair planet but we don't have to be patient, we just have to be adamant, focused, work harder and not give up….well, ok, maybe give up if it's killing you…or if it's killed you already, but that's only if you want to, or if you're already dead, but other than that, you know you've done your best trying.

Just be yourself and follow your heart as best you can, or better!!! Come on, try harder to hit your target, without injuring yourself or others of course…or animals, leave the animals out of this! We certainly don't need more patients!!! Ha!!!

Patiently I am trying to be patient!!!

When you truly find happiness, you will see that in most cases it costs nothing. Most people simply want love and peace. Money comes and goes, laughter, smiles, good company and positive thoughts cost nothing. I think too many times we get caught up in situations that demand so much of our time, energy and money that we forget that simplicity is good for our health and well being.

I often watch people and notice that in most cases, older couples no longer hold hands, actually, I get shocked when I do see this. Yet it's the free giving of your affection and love that means so much more than anything else. Maybe it's come a time in this world that we really come back down to basics to appreciate whole heartedly what we do have, and the peace we do have, and the love that surrounds us from all different angles.

How many times when you grew up that your parents, or guardians, demanded you eat all of the food on your plate as there were starving children who would die for that food? Well, it's true in a way, even eating should be appreciated I guess, but how does that affect us? Is someone else's life who we don't know our problem? I try not to think about such sad thoughts and disagree with force feeding, there are too many heavy people walking around so sad and lost now, so why overfeed anyway? Most women think they're fat and don't eat, or eat in public. Whereas many fat women love their food and don't see themselves as fat…..I find that fascinating and funny! As long as you genuinely love yourself, nothing means anything, so if you love food, eat it, if you starve yourself purposely, you will suffer the health risks in the name of vanity. Thank goodness I love most vegetables as mum hasn't had to ask twice about asking me to finish them, but if she did and I wanted the ice-cream, I would gobble down the last part. Anyway, everything we take for granted should be appreciated. We are all lucky in some way. We just have to stop, take a good look around us and smile…..as smiling costs nothing!

Drats, it's 12:15am and too late for a bowl of ice-cream!

Most women these days are ball breakers and more aggressive than men. I am a true girly girl with a soft heart and know that not many women these days actually appreciate heart, it's all about the dollar!

Yes we all want to feel secure, but if these women are so damn adamant on wanting money, they can get off their beautified asses and make it themselves. Do they realise how many thousands of hours of very hard work it takes to accumulate big amounts of money? I don't think so, as most either don't want to work, think they are too good to work or have a medium job but spend their wages trying to look like they have money. We all want money, but there’s always a trade off.

I used to shuffle love aside and only focus on money, (must be the Capricorn in me), but I suddenly stopped one day and thought, ‘If I don’t have love, will having just money bring me happiness?’ Of course not!

Of course we all need money in this world and on this planet for freedom, fun and privacy. You can live without worrying where your next dollar is coming from, you can eat, you can have a roof over your head, you can help family, you can pay bills, you can travel, pamper youself and mostly importantly not stress, so I figure, money is actually good for your health!!!

Money is a positive thing and any one who says the old cliche statement, "Money isn't everything", is lying. Obviously they just haven't got the spark to work for it, but truth be known, we all want it and all play hypotheticals, or daydream about being rich.

Most of us work long hours to pay our bills, in jobs we really don’t enjoy. We dread the alarm going off and live for our days off. So how do we get paid for what we love to do?  Easy, follow your dreams and don’t give up, as I’ve said before, one dream leads to another, then to another, then to another, it’s always offering new paths for us to skip along.

Don’t give up! Persevere and practice to live out your passions as they then become your reality, like I said, there is a price for everything. Nothing will ever run smoothly, that’s just the way this crazy planet works and regardless what anyone says, it is based on money! So do what you love and keep moving towards what you love doing, the money will follow when you believe in yourself and have an idea that the world accepts, as this is your heart.

If you believe in your heart, the world believes in you. It’s easy to make people spend their money, you just have to be willing to offer your soul to the world for it to own! I warned you, there was a tradeoff!!! Nothing comes free in this world…nothing!!! 

To walk through this life not loving yourself must be so hard and confusing. People must feel so lost and so helpless.

I'm lucky as I've genuinely had a very happy childhood filled with lots of love, support, creativity and laughter. Mum and dad have always encouraged me to be myself and to be brave enough to try a variety of things, as one thing leads to another, which leads to another, this never ends, so by the time you know what feels good in your heart, or what's right for you, you've also learnt to much about what makes you happy.

I used to wonder what we all searched for, now I know the simple answers, which are to find 'self' and the love of another who also sees you and loves you unconditionally for who you are. It doesn't matter how loved you are by another, if you truly don't accept yourself, warts and all, you are missing out on so much sunshine and happiness, forever punishing yourself for no reason which pushes your romantic love away and breaks their heart.

If this life is a game, why are we all so hard on ourselves?

Why can't we just live our own life and find the happiness in each moment.

It is a new moment, look in the mirror and see your beauty as there is nobody like you in this universe.